To speak frankly, so many things are not ok. I'm remembering the desire to feel and to write passionately and to express the beauty of the world through words, but after 22 months of mostly suffering, wondering what i'm doing here, wondering if this is this is the life i really want, my school has seriously tried to steal away those 22 months, the 30 pounds, the lost sleep and dreams full of anxiety, the need to become a selfish inward entity that forgets birthdays, the huge financial cost, and the woman curled into a ball of overwhelmed fear that i might not graduate. And as each situation becomes more intensely focused on my failings as a human being, i grow more anxious, lose more self esteem and thus it becomes more difficult to wear the mantle of camoflage. I'm outspoken, loud, brash, direct, and impulsive. I'm in my 30's and wonder why i can't remind myself who i was before this program started. "i'm young and strong but i feel old and tired." I wish i could say that what i learned in the last months could be seen as *worth* the learning it at the edge of a knife every day. But i can't say that.
"I will not pretend
i will not say i'm alright for you when
All i wanted was to be good.
to do everything and true."
Martha Wainwright - lyrics
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